It’s okay to not be okay: How to recognise toxic positivity and build genuine optimism instead
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects (or hides) difficult emotions in favour of a happy - or falsely positive - façade.
2020 saw a surge of courses, academies and talks on positive psychology and finding happiness. And I am among one of the 2.2m students that enrolled in Professor Laurie Santos Yale course, The Science of Wellbeing mid-last year.
We all know that having a positive outlook in life is good for our mental well-being. But, we must be careful. Life isn’t always positive. What happens when it comes to dealing with real, and sometimes painful, emotions and experiences? Are those emotions not supposed to be expressed, too? What are the outcomes if we suppress these feelings deep down - and we choose not to face the pain and anguish - what then? Whilst unpleasant, the array of all emotions are just as important as each other. The need to feel, process and deal with the complexities of what life throws our way, both openly and honestly, with others, but most importantly for ourselves is vital when it comes to finding happiness deep in our bones.
Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies human emotions that aren’t strictly happy nor positive. Denying people of a healthy range of emotions only encourages feelings of guilt; even in the face of tragedy. It also turns its back on authentic human relating. Avoidance is never a good strategy. Shying away from potential opportunities to build long-term resilience, through the ability to experience and overcome a challenging emotion, can roadblock your path to powerful insight or a life-changing breakthrough in personal growth.
Can you identify the differences?
To delve deeper into what genuinely makes a difference in well-being and happiness, we brokedown Professor Martin Seligman’s TedTalk, “The new era of positive psychology”, which currently has 6,319,819 views. Together, Seligman, Nancy Etcoff, Dan Gilbert and Mike Csikszentmihalyi studied and measured how positive interventions can make people more fulfilled and happier. See how you stack up for positive feelings, meaning, and, getting in “the flow”.
These were the THREE areas where genuine happiness was found to be abundant in the lives of those studied:-
The Pleasant Life – incorporating as many of life’s pleasures and positive emotions as possible and amplifying them through the act of savoring and mindfulness. What are you most passionate about? What did you love doing as a child and have simply stopped doing as you have forgotten the art of enjoying simple pleasures - or have had little time to enjoy a favourite hobby?
The Good Life – doing something that you are really engaged in, so much so, it feels like time has stopped or just flies by. Seligman says “you are one with the music”. Some of us would liken this to “being in the flow” when your attention is totally focused on a task (and wouldn’t it be great if we had a ‘turn on flow now’ button!). The path to this is knowing your greatest strengths and crafting your life to allow more time to focus on these areas. Consider how you can shift what you prioritise and spend more time doing the tasks that light you up and naturally get you “in the flow”?
The Meaningful Life – the most vulnerable of all interventions. In the words of Tolstoy, ‘The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity.’ Some call it meaning, others call it purpose and the Japanese call it ‘ikigai’. It is knowing your greatest strengths, and, at the same time, applying them to be in service of others. It’s about belonging to something much greater than self. Who are the people in your life (or that you follow) you can identify as having found their ‘ikigai’ and are living in service doing it?
Many of us have a pleasant life and may feel okay in this comfort zone, for now. To take life to a place that really matters, to be in flow, to be in service of others, to be recognised for our talents - are you willing to do the hard work?
Let’s do the work and say goodbye to toxic positivity. We shall aim for greatness, find genuine optimism and happiness, whatever it takes.
Drop us a message on LinkedIn or Instagram for an introductory chat or if anything in this article inspires you to take the first step to live with purpose and find more flow.